*catchy tune that makes it seem like this place is a hotbed of activity. Something like: tu du du, du du du, duuuuuh*
*Presenter shuffling papers, turns to camera.*
Welcome to Alfnews.
Today on Alfnews: how the coronascam is hurting American president Trump, Dutch high-T lefty journalist shocks country by existing, and Dutch princess lip syncs to ‘n*gga’ on tik-tok. This is… Alfnews!
In international news, while corona-related infections and deaths have dropped like a stone since their flu-level peak in April, the American opposition has resorted to a full blown corona panic assault against president Trump. Among their communist tactics is turning president Trump’s own success against him: testing has increased a thousandfold in the past two months, prompting the opposition to claim infections have also increased a thousandfold.
While such lies are obvious, egregious, and disrespectful, president Trump is having trouble fighting back, as evidenced in this recent interview. We turn to our corona expert, Xavier Pert. Mr Pert, in your opinion, what needs to be done?
*Camera switches to man sitting in front of webcam. There is an awkward two second delay.*
Mr Pert: ‘The left pushes a narrative of corona as the bubonic plague, sweeping over the world, killing millions. The actual data meanwhile tells us corona is a heavy flu. Even better: a flu season that is almost over. President Trump needs to get this message across, and to do so, he needs a health expert he can trust, someone who can talk to journalists on the topic on his behalf.’
*Camera switches back to the studio*
A spicy take indeed. Thank you, mr Pert.
Moving on to Dutch news. Here too, the corona scam is in full swing – on TV, the opposition talks of a second lockdown, ostensibly to save lives. The numbers, however, tell a different story: while April saw a daily hospital admittance of 57 corona-related patients, the Netherlands currently experience a whopping 6 corona-related admissions a day. The corona crisis is over, but clearly, nobody has told the experts.
In other Dutch news, lefty journalist Sander Schimmelpenninck, editor of Quote500, has caused uproar when in his podcast he ranked the three royal daughters in attractiveness, concluding that Alexia (on the right) is the ‘hottest’. When challenged by right-wing sweetheart Eva Vlaardingerbroek to debate his sexist locker room talk, Schimmelpenninck responded that he was looking forward to a ‘date with that candy of the week’. No one seems to have informed mr Schimmelpenninck that his toxic masculinity does not seem to align with his political ideology, but we’ll be sure to find out where this ship strands.
Finally in Dutch news, Alexia,
hottest middle of the royal daughters has caused minor uproar when she went viral in a since deleted tik-tok, in which she is seen dancing with friends, lip-syncing to rap songs including lyrics as: ‘they didn’t raise me so f*ck they opinion’, ‘I don’t think that’s a n*gga that you wanna keep’ and ‘I beat up the p*ssy like Rocky’. Her mother responded as saying that teenagers make mistakes and that’s part of life. We turn to our royal expert, Patrick Rofessional. Mr Rofessional, do you think Alexia’s actions undermine the standing of the royal family?
Mr Rofessional: “Well obviously they do not reflect very well on the young lady, but then again, who can blame her? American culture glorifies black rapper culture, so naturally a young girl living in an American colony is going to glorify it too, be she a princess or not.’
I see. But don’t people have higher expectations for the sister of the future queen of Holland?
Mr Rofessional: “To be fair this seems to be kind of in line with expectations for the sister of the future queen. Her father, king Willem-Alexander, has a reputation for being somewhat overly agreeable, so I do not think people are surprised by a daughter rebelling. Mostly the Dutch are just happy that Willem is not as bad as prince Harry ‘the simp’ Windsor.
Shots fired! Thank you mr Rofessional.
And with that concludes our news broadcast. For the weather you may check your smartphone you lazy bastards. Have a great day!
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