Mother enough

[Color me black and call me a … Crow. My lovely Mai graces us with a guest post. – Alf.] 

OK. Turns out being a mom is a bit, no, a lot harder than i thought it would be. I thought I couldn’t feel worse than in my college years, but all that was topped in the frist week our baby was born. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was ridden over by a truck and on top of that truck was another truck and on top of that truck was a sperm whale. There was NO pink cloud. The first thing I did in the morning was cry, last thing I did too. Everybody kept saying that they THOUGHT it PROBABLY was “completely normal.” Well that sounds convincing!!! In the meantime I’d only heard of pink clouds or post-natal depression and this definitely did not feel like a pink cloud.

Literally NOBODY told me it would be so fucking hard. Yes, I was scared of the changes because I hate changes, but I thought the unconditional love for my baby would make it at least bearable. Of course, when I opened up to other mothers and confessed that I sort of wanted to throw myself in front of a bus, they said they had felt the same to a certain degree. Great.

Luckily, my love grew a little bit more every day. I remember imagining a thermometer with at the bottom snowflakes and at the top a red beating heart. Every day I would tell myself: OK, I’m not there yet but at least I have room for even more love.

After those –hormonal- first months I had to go back to work again. I thought it would be some kind of nice, talking to adults and being around other people. However, it turned out it was even harder balancing between being a good mom, working on my own business, earning some money, and dealing with problems that came along working at a company. [turns out being a mom is a full-time job.]

I guess everything I wrote in my previous post is true, but it took me over 6 months to get used to everything, and for my hormone management to go to a less cray-cray level. Now I finally feel like myself again, maybe even a better version of myself. I love our little dragon so much it makes me do stupid things like watching cute videoclips of him just the moment after we had a very hard time getting him to sleep. Yes, sometimes it’s still hard. And I think it will continue being hard. And I will always –to a certain degree- will feel like I don’t accomplish enough. [because these days, being only a mother just isn’t enough.] However, at the end of the day I just want me and my family to be happy. Guess that makes me mother enough.

My advice to past-me would be:

  • Just surrender to everything. You are your baby’s bitch these couple of weeks and there’s nothing you can do about it. The only thing your baby needs is you and your milk, and you will give it to him when he needs it.
  • Your “maternal feeling” isn’t something magical and beautiful. It probably feels like it isn’t there, because it isn’t. It has to develop. For now just try to dig through your hormonal layer and try to listen to yourself.
  • Do not ask for or listen to (well-intentioned) (unsolicited) advices. And if you do, ask someone with the same mentality.
  • Instead listen to your partner. He is the closest non-hormonal person, and he will see things a lot clearer than you do.
  • Don’t expect anything of your baby. A baby’s first year is just one big mess.
  • Be honest about your feelings.
  • Keep in mind: everything is a phase.

Ok, baby wanted to say something too. He’ll keep it short:

Khx n c mx b cxx

[aww]

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